Friday, December 15, 2006

Tim Johnson-apologies to Monty Python

The Vice President enters the Senate cloakroom pushing a gurney.

Mr. Cheney: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The incoming majority leader does not respond.)
Mr. Cheney: 'Ello, Miss?
Mr. Reid: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Cheney: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Mr. Reid: We're closin' for holiday.
Mr. Cheney: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this senator what was elected not six weeks ago to this very assembly.
Mr. Reid: Oh yes, the, uh, the South Dakotan...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Cheney: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Mr. Reid: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Cheney: Look, matey, I know a dead senator when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Mr. Reid: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable senator, the South Dakotan, idn'it, ay? Beautiful parka!
Mr. Cheney: The parka don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Mr. Reid: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Cheney: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the gurney) 'Ello, Mister Tim Johnson! I've got a lovely fresh campaign contribution for you if you show...
(Reid hits the gurney)
Mr. Reid: There, he moved!
Mr. Cheney: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the gurney!
Mr. Reid: I never!!
Mr. Cheney: Yes, you did!
Mr. Reid: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Cheney: (yelling and hitting the gurney repeatedly) 'ELLO TIMMY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes senator off of the gurney and thumps its head on a desk. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Cheney: Now that's what I call a dead senator.
Mr. Reid: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Cheney: STUNNED?!?
Mr. Reid: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! South Dakotans stun easily, major.
Mr. Cheney: look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That senator is definitely deceased, and when you elected it not six weeks ago, you assured us that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged campaign.
Mr. Reid: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords of South Dakota.
Mr. Cheney: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment ’e got here?
Mr. Reid: The South Dakotan prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable senator, id'nit, squire? Lovely parka!
Mr. Cheney: Look, I took the liberty of examining that senator when I entered the Senate chamber, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its chair in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
Mr. Reid: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that senator down, it would have nuzzled up to those lobbyists, taken their bribes with its teeth, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Cheney: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this senator wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Mr. Reid: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Cheney: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This senator is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the chair 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the bench! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-SENATOR-ELECT!!
Mr. Reid: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the desk) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the chamber, and uh, we're right out of senators.
Mr. Cheney: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Mr. Reid: I got a slug.
Mr. Cheney: Pray, does it talk?
Mr. Reid: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Reid: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Cheney: Well.
Mr. Reid: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Mr. Cheney: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.


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